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freddiefragglesI'm probably due an update on here. After all, last you heard was how I was still trying to form sentences following the appointment with Mary. I think I've managed to get my head around it rather more now, it was such a lot to take on board all at once. Anyway, I have some exciting news:
I have a date for the operation.
And I think this has made it all so much more tangible that I was having even more trouble getting my head around it. No longer is this an event some unknown time in the future, this is an event in September 2010. Which is rather scary. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a bit scared, they're going to cut me open and put metal bits in me and poking out of me*. But, all that said, this is the last possible thing and if this doesn't work, well... I've been mentally prepared for amputation for quite some years now, but I am rather attached to my toes. Figuratively and literally.
My mum and I are starting to get things together that I'll need after the op, such as tracksuit bottoms that can be modified with velcro running up the entire outside right leg seam for significantly easier getting dressed. I have a couple of pairs already, but I'm not sure how much room there'll be once the seam's come out and had velcro put in. Hmmm. Also, pants have to be modified too! (I didn't think of that before Mary mentioned it) so there'll be some attaching of velcro or pop-studs to some pants as well. I get the feeling I'm going to feel like a complete idiot because I can't do elastic for 12+ months.
As you can see, there's a lot to think about and prepare. By the time September rolls around, the likelihood of me feeling ready for the op. is going to be slim, but it'll be too late. Pre-op is at the end of August and I think that's the point of no return. Ironically, I feel like I'm looking forward to it, like I've been looking forward to it for the last eight years, but I know that the summer is going to whizz by in its usual stupidly-busy sort of way and suddenly it'll be upon me and then I'll be dependant on others for months and months, which isn't something I'm really looking forward to either, but if this will fix the pain and make it work and possibly even allow me to run when it's all healed and recovered (wow! sports!!!) it will be worth it. All the nights I cried myself to sleep as a teenager, all the times I've put my foot down slightly funny while walking and caused excruciating stabbing pains, all the mornings I've woken up, swung my legs out of bed and cautiously tested to see if I'll be able to put enough weight on to hobble to the bathroom... it has to be worth a try, right?
Some day, my bravery will crack. I hope that day isn't in the next two years.
* Or as a close friend puts it, "give [me] a really hardcore body mod!"
I have a date for the operation.
And I think this has made it all so much more tangible that I was having even more trouble getting my head around it. No longer is this an event some unknown time in the future, this is an event in September 2010. Which is rather scary. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a bit scared, they're going to cut me open and put metal bits in me and poking out of me*. But, all that said, this is the last possible thing and if this doesn't work, well... I've been mentally prepared for amputation for quite some years now, but I am rather attached to my toes. Figuratively and literally.
My mum and I are starting to get things together that I'll need after the op, such as tracksuit bottoms that can be modified with velcro running up the entire outside right leg seam for significantly easier getting dressed. I have a couple of pairs already, but I'm not sure how much room there'll be once the seam's come out and had velcro put in. Hmmm. Also, pants have to be modified too! (I didn't think of that before Mary mentioned it) so there'll be some attaching of velcro or pop-studs to some pants as well. I get the feeling I'm going to feel like a complete idiot because I can't do elastic for 12+ months.
As you can see, there's a lot to think about and prepare. By the time September rolls around, the likelihood of me feeling ready for the op. is going to be slim, but it'll be too late. Pre-op is at the end of August and I think that's the point of no return. Ironically, I feel like I'm looking forward to it, like I've been looking forward to it for the last eight years, but I know that the summer is going to whizz by in its usual stupidly-busy sort of way and suddenly it'll be upon me and then I'll be dependant on others for months and months, which isn't something I'm really looking forward to either, but if this will fix the pain and make it work and possibly even allow me to run when it's all healed and recovered (wow! sports!!!) it will be worth it. All the nights I cried myself to sleep as a teenager, all the times I've put my foot down slightly funny while walking and caused excruciating stabbing pains, all the mornings I've woken up, swung my legs out of bed and cautiously tested to see if I'll be able to put enough weight on to hobble to the bathroom... it has to be worth a try, right?
Some day, my bravery will crack. I hope that day isn't in the next two years.
* Or as a close friend puts it, "give [me] a really hardcore body mod!"
no subject
on 2010-06-13 03:37 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2010-06-13 03:37 pm (UTC)